Must do better: Two which won't make it through the semi-final

1. Stevan Faddy (Montenegro) -Ajde Kroči


Stevan appears to be under the delusion that it's still the 1980s. Trashy old rock songs are still fashionable, as are tan jackets with unfathomably large lapels. Let me tell you now, they're not. Even if you try to make it look a bit edgier by leaving the cuffs undone. Stevan spends much of his time waving his elbows and hands about, pointing at the camera, looking pained. Somebody give him a guitar or a microphone to hold - anything to stop his arm twitching.

As much as I would like to see a return to the days when every country sang in their own national language instead of English, this song is strong evidence to the contrary.
And no, not even claiming you've got strong links to Scotland is going to get you any points from the UK.

2. Magdi Rúzsa (Hungary) - Unsubstantial Blues

Misguided people are raving about this on YouTube. But I'm not. "Why did you leave me?" trills Magdi in her whimsical attempt to imitate Amy Winehouse. Well, I can think of a few reasons why he left you, love. Firstly, you're a bit heavy-handed with the old slap-on, aren't you? Bit over zealous with the war-paint? This woman likes to trowel on mascara like a mason trowels on cement. Secondly, your gravelly voice sounds like nails down a blackboard and you needs to suck some throat lozenges, quickly. And another thing, you're crap at housework. If you want to get your man back, you'd better start by picking up the litter you've got strewn across the floor of your flat, because let's face it, nobody wants to live in a pigsty. Unsubstantial blues? More like unsubstantial effort.