Caution: Watch at your own risk

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis will know that I like trashy cheese as much as the next man (probably a bit more actually). So it's not often that I discover an act which pushes even my boundaries of good taste. But I think I've found it finally, in the shape of Danish bubblegum popstars, Toy Box. Toy Box appear to have taken up the baton of dragging pop down to its lowest ebb from fellow countrymen Aqua. And they've done a pretty good job. The lead vocalists are Anila and Amir. They're pretty much as scary as the pair in Aqua, with less redeeming features. And the music? It's so cheesy, even I feel dirty when I listen to it. Let's check them out for a moment.

The Sailor-Song
All the nice boys like a sailor, and there are plenty of them here. All of them arm-in-arm singing a dirty old sea shanty aboout seamen and life on the ocean waves, while the ship carrying them fires its mighty funnels. It's hard to believe that the song itself could be any camper. But check the lyrics, 'If we all come together, we know what to do, we all come together just for you'. And if that wasn't enough hedonism for you, check out 'Sailing, sailing, jumping out the railing. Drinking, drinking, 'til the ship is sinking. Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing'. Sounds like the average Channel crossing on SeaFrance to me. And who on earth put the words 'That's not a knife... THIS is a knife' into a pop record? 'Girls like me are pretty hard to find' she sings, dressed in a mere slip of a bikini. Not in my experience, darling, just try hanging around Soho on a Friday night.

Tarzan and Jane

Every cheesy group has their Doctor Jones moment. And here are Toy Box at it in the jungle. Their intentions are quite plain when the lyrics begin 'I am Jane and I like to ride an elephant'. Full use is made of the opportunity to dress up in sleazy loin cloths and dance suggestively. But nothing will prepare you for the sight of what Tarzan starts pumping away at when the video hits 02:20 (45 seconds from the end). Looks like he's using something he bought from Prowler to me.

Best Friend
I've saved the best for last. Best Friend is like a cheesy pop version of the film Fatal Attraction. The video appears to be based around the theme of a jealous girl who has some kind of a psychotic crush on her best friend. So much so, she appears with her leather clad girls' gang rehearsing karate moves learnt directly from the Karate Kid. Things turn more violent when she gets tooled up with a pair of scissors and cuts her best friend's girlfriend's hair to shreds. She takes out another one with a large incendiary device and two more with a crossbow. No wonder juvenile violence is on the rise.