londonboy79

Say no to leopardskin

2007-06-20T18:23:00.000Z

And you thought Betty Boo was the only popstar to dress up in leopardskin print? Think again. Two wrongs don't make a right, but think back to 1996, the year of Gina G. You might recall one of her rivals, Layla, a dark horse in the final of the Great British Song Contest. She pipped through the semis and into the final, making a bold leopard-printed statement and drawing attention to her rather ropey live performance of Gotta Find Love. Having said that, the song wasn't half bad. Like thousands of others, I couldn't bring myself to vote for anything dressed in fake animal print. It just brought back too many memories of gaudy Bet Gilroy. Layla sank without trace in Britain, making it quite difficult to track down any images to accompany a blog entry on her. How very thoughtless.

Europop-ski

2007-06-16T19:36:00.000Z

In the search for good europop, if such a thing exists, I have gone east to Russia to discover the throwaway delights of Zhanna Friske. She rose to fame as a member of Russian pop group Blestyashchie. Upon watching their videos, I realised that Girls Aloud still have quite some considerable depths yet to plumb in terms of sleaze. Blestyashchie are Russia's longest running and most famous girl group, as well as their least-dressed. Their longevity has been the result of the policy that whenever one member leaves (as several of them have), they simply conscript someone new who doesn't mind writhing around wearing very little. Still, the music is trash and you can't argue with that. Just look at the evidence.

Blestyashchie - Agent 007: You can tell the Cold War's over when you see a Russian girl group performing their sleazy ode to James Bond. If you thought Scooch's airsteward uniforms looked camp, try these for size. This video reveals the Blestyashchie girls' secret of slimness, as they bang away on exercise bikes. I'm still at a loss to account for the relevance to James Bond.

Blestyashchie - За четыре моря: Speaking no Russian myself, I've had to make a rather impromptu translation of this song. It appears to be a latino-flavoured song about the lot of Russian housewives. They're glamorous, but they're hard-working. Look at them, vacuuming away, ironing their smalls, looking after the dog. Household chores rarely looked this glamorous.

Blestyashchie - Восточные сказки: You might have heard this one before. The Blestyashchie girls rope in Arash for a Russian take on one of his album hits. It sounds like they're singing about facial hair... Moustache-ni, Moustache-ni...

Having taken pop to its sleaziest level as part of the group, Zhanna Friske then left the group behind to make a number of cheesy Europop records. La La La found her in fabulous form, trilling her way through a singalongable ditty. It's europop-by-numbers and all the better for it.

There's a summery feel to Zhanna's hit, Gde to leto. I've never seen someone accessorise so well with the colour of a swimming pool. She's practically camouflaged in her range of turquoise swimwear. I'm not sure about the bit with the flaming torches though. That silky dress of hers looks flammable and it could all so easily have ended in tears.

You can download Zhanna's songs here. Click the links below. Click Mp3 (next to the speaker icon). A new window appears, then click Скачать. A new window will appear. If your download doesn't begin automatically, click ссылку to start it.

La La La
Gde to leto

Losing once is not enough for some

2007-06-16T15:55:00.000Z

Continuing with the theme of songs which fell before the final hurdle, here is the cautionary tale of one plucky wannabe Eurovision contender who just didn't know when to quit. For some people, one humiliating loss on national television is just not enough. They have to go back for more.

Alberta entered the Great British Song Contest in 1998 with her upbeat, pop-reggae number, Don't It Make You Feel So Good. Tragically, it didn't make the British public feel so good, and was pipped into second place by 4,000 votes. Faced with such a result, what did poor Alberta do? Determined to prove that she was capable of being beaten into second place twice, she showed up in the following year's contest, once again finishing second by only 700 votes. Still, she soon had her revenge on the public by releasing the terminally dreadful and slightly disturbing YoYo Boy. And she was never heard of again.

Here endeth the lesson, unless you wish to relive Alberta's near-moment of glory with Don't It Make You Feel So Good.

You stayed away too long

2007-06-14T18:20:00.000Z

Good Eurovision entries are a bit like buses. You wait sixteen years for a good one to arrive and then suddenly two arrive at once. That was the case in 1997, when Joanne May showed up on Song For Europe (or the Great British Song Contest, whatever they decided to call it that year.) Of course, we all know that Katrina won that year and went on to win the contest. But Joanne had a great song too.
You Stayed Away Too Long was the forerunner of Jessica Garlick's Come Back. Not a lot is known about Joanne actually, other than that she originated from a small town near Bolton and finished third in the contest. British televoters dealt her the ultimate humiliation of being pipped even by the ridiculous Yodel in the Canyon of Love. No wonder she was never heard of again, I should imagine the poor girl never recovered.

They wuz robbed (part I)

2007-06-12T18:52:00.000Z

In these bleak months between Eurovision 2007 and the start of the national finals for 2008, there is precious little for Eurovision fans to cheer about. So I have decided to relive a few past semi-triumphs. These are songs wot should have won but were cruelly left for dead at the foot of the scoreboard.

The subject of my first post is Hello from Mars, the 2003 entry from Latvia. F.L.Y. were a fusion of Latvian talent from a number of different groups, formed especially for the contest. Plenty of promise on paper. And as host nation, the chances of a top ten finish looked convincing. What a tragedy that as the final votes were cast, poor Latvia were found languishing in 24th place with only five points, donated kindly by their Baltic neighbour, Estonia. The song was pretty good though, once you get over the complete lack of continuity in the lyrics and the frequent lapses off-key. In fact, come to think of it, there are three compelling reasons why this should have won.

Firstly, I would challenge anyone to get such fabulous whites using ordinary non-bio powder. Though Westlife may consider themselves to be patron saints of the white tuxedo, in any duel of laundrymanship, the brilliance of F.L.Y's whites would quite probably have blinded them.

Secondly, dancing in a two-man, one-girl trio is actually quite an arduous task - especially if that girl happens to be a rather weighty lesbian in high heels who has managed to steamroller her way between you and your boyfriend on the G-A-Y dance floor. But is there any other group on this planet which manage to pull it off as well as F.L.Y.? Every conceivable combination of cheesy three-way dance move is used to crowd-pleasing effect.

Thirdly, it is no secret that many of life's most pleasurable acts are performed while on the knees, and this is no exception. The fact that one third of F.L.Y. finishes up gasping on the floor only adds to the spectacle. Bravo, man!

Relive the pleasure of the peformance below. And if you like it enough to listen to it in tune, click Hello from Mars for it.

Shake it, shake it, make it alright

2007-06-10T14:24:00.000Z

If you tuned into 1994's far-from-classic Eurovision Song Contest in Dublin, you will remember them. They were like an all-female version of the Village People. Mekado performed what many regard as Germany's 'last decent entry' to the competition. Wir Geben 'Ne Party was a camp little disco number, with a dance routine involving lots of hand-clapping, thigh-slapping, head-twisting choreography. And where did it get out plucky German trio? Only third place! Surely one of the greatest Eurovision travesties of all time. Relive the good times here and imagine what might have been.

I propose three cheers for this fabulous teutonic trio! They say good things come in threes, so here are three things you never knew and possible never cared about Mekado

1. The name Mekado was taken from merging the first names of the girls in question. Melanie is the one with black hair who often appears to draw inspiration for her outfits from an S&M catalogue. Katie is the tall blonde who has always disturbed me purely by having an unnatural distance between her eyes. Dorkas is the brunette who appeared on stage at Eurovision in what appeared to be a sailor suit constructed purely from her grandmother's crochet kit.

2. Dorkas went on to continue being a successful star in Germany and is now more blonde than Katie (the one with the dodgy eyes, sorry - can't get past that)

3. The group went on to release a full album, titled We're Giving A Party (Should've sacked the translator, girls). It's now out of production, but you can pick it up on Ebay if you're a shrewd bidder. Here's a taster of what the album includes. Good Morning I Love You is a slow pop number which gets catchy after the third listen. There's even a slight whiff of a key change towards the end.

Who puts the Fab into Fabrizio?

2007-06-09T18:19:00.000Z

It's an exciting time in the fabulous land of trashy pop, because Fabrizio Faniello, or 'Fab', if I might be so bold, has released a double Greatest Hits pack, called Hits & Clips. That's right, you get a CD of his Fab's most fabulous hits plus a dvd of his video clips (minus that performance of I Do in Eurovision 2006!)

Fab's been a regular runner in the Maltese Eurovision pre-selections no less than seven times since 1998. Twice he's finished in first place, but occasionally he's fallen at the final furlong. His Greatest Hits pack is perfect for playing before you head out for a night on the town. Having done a bit of webtrawling, I've found a taster of what you can expect:

Love me or leave me
I'm in love (the whistle song)
Love on the radio

Three cheers for Fab and his camp, shirt-unbuttoned, air-punching dance pop. If you want to buy a physical copy, Amazon Germany is your best hope. In the spirit of celebration, I'm offering this free Fabrizio desktop wallpaper. Click the image on the left, wait until it downloads, then right click and set as desktop background.

You might be missing some of the benefits that stereo can provide

2007-06-09T16:41:00.000Z

Few popstars fit the mould of being both trashy and fabulous. But Geri Halliwell is clearly one of them. More so than ever now that she's a washed-up former popstar and single mother. If anyone is in a position to comment on Geri's spectacular fall from grace, it's me. After all, I was one of the very select few who actually bought the Passion CD. And actually, it's not bad. There are a few tracks which are perpetually skipped on my iPod but there are quite a few catchy ones.

Above: Few of us realised the failure of Passion would jeopardise Geri's ability to buy a decent pair of jeans

As it happens, one of the better tracks was never included on the UK release of the album. 100% Pure Love is a fabulous, funky little song. Here are four remixes of it, the best of which is probably the US version.

Waiting for the follow-up

2007-06-09T16:40:00.000Z

While we're waiting for Koldun to release a follow-up to his Eurovision, hit, I thought some of you Koldun fans out there might still be hunting around for the Russian-lyric version of Work Your Magic. Well, look no further, you can get the Russian lyrics version of the song here. For those who don't speak any Russian, all you need to do is click the Russian word Скачать, which is in the little grey box, then the blue link which follows, to start your download.

Right: I'm loving those red running shoes of his. Time to head to Lillywhites for a cheap pair.

While we're at it, let's check out something from Koldun's back catalogue. It's not as instantly catchy as Work Your Magic, but it's a nice, meandering pop-rock-ballad by numbers.

Прости за всё

UPDATE:

Some blog readers have asked for Dima's song Get up, get down, get crazy. Well, having hunted about on the internet for it, I've found it. It's a bit tricky to get, here's what you need to do:

Open Windows Media Player
Select File; Open URL;
Paste this address in: http://www.s2006s.bir.ru/musica/Koldun-Get%20up%20get%20down.mp3 make sure you get it exactly right!
Then click Ok; Wait a bit.
The file will open and start playing.
Then all you need to do is to select File; Save;

Caution: Watch at your own risk

2007-06-06T19:07:00.000Z

Anyone who reads my blog on a regular basis will know that I like trashy cheese as much as the next man (probably a bit more actually). So it's not often that I discover an act which pushes even my boundaries of good taste. But I think I've found it finally, in the shape of Danish bubblegum popstars, Toy Box. Toy Box appear to have taken up the baton of dragging pop down to its lowest ebb from fellow countrymen Aqua. And they've done a pretty good job. The lead vocalists are Anila and Amir. They're pretty much as scary as the pair in Aqua, with less redeeming features. And the music? It's so cheesy, even I feel dirty when I listen to it. Let's check them out for a moment.

The Sailor-Song
All the nice boys like a sailor, and there are plenty of them here. All of them arm-in-arm singing a dirty old sea shanty aboout seamen and life on the ocean waves, while the ship carrying them fires its mighty funnels. It's hard to believe that the song itself could be any camper. But check the lyrics, 'If we all come together, we know what to do, we all come together just for you'. And if that wasn't enough hedonism for you, check out 'Sailing, sailing, jumping out the railing. Drinking, drinking, 'til the ship is sinking. Gambling, stealing, lots of sex-appealing'. Sounds like the average Channel crossing on SeaFrance to me. And who on earth put the words 'That's not a knife... THIS is a knife' into a pop record? 'Girls like me are pretty hard to find' she sings, dressed in a mere slip of a bikini. Not in my experience, darling, just try hanging around Soho on a Friday night.

Tarzan and Jane

Every cheesy group has their Doctor Jones moment. And here are Toy Box at it in the jungle. Their intentions are quite plain when the lyrics begin 'I am Jane and I like to ride an elephant'. Full use is made of the opportunity to dress up in sleazy loin cloths and dance suggestively. But nothing will prepare you for the sight of what Tarzan starts pumping away at when the video hits 02:20 (45 seconds from the end). Looks like he's using something he bought from Prowler to me.

Best Friend
I've saved the best for last. Best Friend is like a cheesy pop version of the film Fatal Attraction. The video appears to be based around the theme of a jealous girl who has some kind of a psychotic crush on her best friend. So much so, she appears with her leather clad girls' gang rehearsing karate moves learnt directly from the Karate Kid. Things turn more violent when she gets tooled up with a pair of scissors and cuts her best friend's girlfriend's hair to shreds. She takes out another one with a large incendiary device and two more with a crossbow. No wonder juvenile violence is on the rise.

Return of the hair

2007-06-06T18:57:00.000Z

These exciting photos reveal that Jonatan Cerrada has seen the error of his brief dalliance with a hair shaver and has returned his hair to its former glory days of his volumous spikiness, just in time for the release of his third album which will happen soon (well, sometime after July). We can all be relieved at this. Let's revel for a moment in this good news by staring gratuitously at some of the latest photos. If he keeps growing it at this rate, it will soon reach the heady heights of the overgrown-bush proportions achieved at Eurovision.

Ozone depletion

2007-06-05T17:39:00.000Z

Global warming is a threat to us all... but when I hear the phrase ozone depletion, my mind jumps to another of the 21st century's greatest tragedies, the break up of O-zone. No, not the naff made-for-TV US band (sorry US readers) but the trashy Moldovan pop group. This post isn't about O-zone actually, more about what one of their members has been up to since leaving the band. Radu (the one wearing pink with such natural blonde highlights) launched a solo career with some success on the continent. His first album, Alone, had a few trashy hits on it, but he followed it up with a much better single, Doi Straini, accompanied by a video of himself playing a chauffeur who is trusted with the task of driving a bride to her wedding, 'the happiest day of her life'. But what's this? He nearly oversleeps (in a vile pair of purple pyjamas) and then starts eyeing the bride up in the limo. Before we know it, he's had his way with her and she's left her newlywed hubby in the lurch. So much for happy ever after.

Dedicated to pleasure @ Ghetto

2007-06-04T16:10:00.000Z

I didn't post yesterday as I was recovering from a late night clubbing session in the 'hottest club in London', Ghetto. For anyone who doesn't know, Ghetto is a trashy nightclub in Central London. Located in a back alley... part of London's seedy underbelly as we like to call it. We knew it was going to be a good night when one of us managed to be sick before even getting into the club... what a waste of alcohol. The music was as expected... if you like trashy cheese, you'd like the club. We don't bother going to Heaven any more, since they dumped the chill-out space and started playing pretentious dance without a hint of cheese. The highlight (should that be lowlight?) of the evening was probably being mistaken for pornstars. I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not? I think it was our fabulous matching 'dedicated 2 pleasure' t-shirts which led to the confusion. Either that or it was because we were far more heavily drunk than anyone else there. Which brings me to my other point really, when I describe Ghetto as the 'hottest club in London', I mean sweaty-hot, shuffling around in three inches of personal space-hot. It amazes me that anyone could get drunk there, given the pints of alcohol evaporating in sweat. Good job we'd drunk plenty beforehand really. As we stumbled out of the main room for the fourth time to get some much-needed oxygen, my fellow clubber, Trixie, heard some disgusted clubbers pointing at us "Look, there they go again!" I'm glad our fabulous t-shirts turned heads.

Yet more of Koldun

2007-06-04T16:05:00.000Z

It's hard to believe that almost a month on from the Eurovision Song Contest, I'm still getting so many visitors to the blog from people searching for Dima Koldun. So I decided to put up a few more photos of him. If only those web visitors had picked up their phones and voted for him, we might not have had to endure a reprise of Molitva at the end of the show.

Koldun gets a visit from schlager royalty - Queen Carola herself. Isn't she tiny? Or isn't he strapping?

Rehearsing the Paul Daniels magician moves before Helsinki performance.

I've never seen anybody accessorize this well with a pink pillowcase.

Koldun enjoys a visit from Rosie Palmer and her five sons.

Three steps to a textbook Koldun moody pose. 1: Back yourself up against a door. 2: Tuck fingers into your (girly) white belt and look tense 3: Tilt your head at 40 degrees and give it some teeth.

No wonder there are all sorts of rumours circulating about what goes on below deck aboard the Good Ship Koldun. All the nice boys love a sailor.

Frodo left the shire wearing his best hobbit bling.

Can you tell what it is yet? Koldun does his Rolf Harris impression.

Britain does not need to see this

2007-05-31T20:18:00.000Z

Last night I risked electrocution pulling various SCART leads out of the back of my digi-box and DVD player and hammering them into the back of my old VHS recorder, which had come out of retirement especially for the television event of the summer - the launch of Big Brother 8. I wasn't prepared to miss horse-face Katie in the Apprentice over on BBC1 you see. Well, now I wonder why I bothered. Whoever had the bright idea of putting eleven girls into the Big Brother house and no men ought to be ceremoniously sacked forthwith. And just look at the state of the eleven women chosen, especially the two twins, who seem to think they are living incarnations of Barbie. I like to think I have a high pain threshold when it comes to nauseating entertainment (I sat through Cilla Black's Moment of Truth shows for example) but seeing two oddball twins scream repeatedly at each other and declare that they "love pink" is enough to make me vomit. I beg all British readers to vote them out of the house, Britain does not need to see this.

A much needed dose of schlager

2007-05-30T19:14:00.000Z

It seems that ever since Sweden picked The Ark to represent them in Helsinki (and we all know how that ended), we schlager-fans have fallen upon hard times. In such barren days, we must relive past glories, so here in all their glory are 2001 Melodifestivalen winners, Friends, with their very cheesy Lyssna till ditt hjarta. Perhaps it lacks a little oomph live, but at the end of the day, you've got to love those hip-slapping, foot-tapping, swaying synchronised dance routines. The dance moves become even more impressive when you consider the costumes. Just look at those red leather trousers... the blonde in particular looks like she's been crow-barred into them. Once false move, one slip of the leg and who knows what terrible consequences might have ensued.

Play it for the girls

2007-05-30T09:37:00.000Z

Danny Saucedo is back, with a new single Play it for the girls and album Heart Beats out this week. The new single has been slated all over the net for "not being catchy enough". That's rubbish, if you liked Tokyo then you'll definitely like this one too. It's similarly infectious. Unfortunately, waif-looking cheesy pop-singing Danny seems to be using the occasion of his second single to insist that he's in love with a lot of girls... hmm, methinks the boy protesteth too much. But what makes this a great song is the completely canned, cheap electronic keyboard-style drum roll as the chorus approaches. You just can't buy that sort of cheese for love nor money in the UK these days. Check it out for yourself. While you're at it, check out the luminosity of those orange underpants. You know when you've been tangoed..

play it for the girls

tokyo

The truth about my Eurovision

2007-05-30T01:02:00.000Z

A few readers have emailed me out of concern, asking why, when I covered the run-up to Eurovision 2007 on my site so extensively, why did I not comment at all on the event itself? Well, the truth is about to become clear. I spent Eurovision in a state of severe drunkenness at London's finest venue... hosted by Britain's greatest drag-queen, Eb-on-knee see pic on left!

I can't actually remember a lot about the performances, other than that we were mildly pleased with the Spanish entry (I can remember them, they were on at the beginning, before my liver was overwhelmed with alcohol). I regret to say that the middle section of the contest is a blur, and all I remember about that is trying to steal this man's oversized, pink novelty glasses. My memory is a black hole at this point, but swims back into focus when the Ukraine took to the stage and at this point I remember doing a lot of dancing, a lot of cheering and almost ending up in a punch up with a couple of po-faced party-goers who looked like they'd been sucking on lemons. Of course, the highlight of the night was seeing Eb-on-knee. My sister and I are long-time devotees of Britain's greatest drag queen, so we took her a sparkly wand (albeit a cheap one from Claire's accessories) and presented her with it for the evening. Eb-on-knee whipped off her top to reveal a Union Jack corset when Scooch came on stage to sing for the UK. As I said, it's all a blur for me now. As the evening wound up and it became clear that we were going to have to listen to dreary old Serbian entry Molitva being performed as the winner, the silver lining on the cloud was that Eb-on-knee invited us to quaff champagne with her on the floor. The floor which I now remember was carpeted and pretty disgusting. Can't believe I sat on it in my favourite jeans. And as we sat quaffing champagne, the thought popped into my head to ask Eb-on-knee to record a personalised message to one of my mates on my phone, as she couldn't attend Eurovision. And here you can see the result. Look, you can even see her waving the gift we gave her. God bless her!

What might have been

2007-05-20T13:01:00.000Z

Even a full week on from Eurovision, my site is still getting hit at a rate of knots by people searching for Dima Koldun, the Belarussian entrant. So I thought I'd put up the last of my photos of him.

Right: There was an air of potential mullet about Dima's haircut in the run-up to the final.

Did anyone notice that he'd had a new haircut for his performance in Helsinki? There was a certain air of the Paul Daniels magic show about his performance and the cheesy dance moves were fabulous.

Right: Poor Koldun looks none too pleased with the Belarussian delegation's attempts to give him a short back and sides.

It appears that not even appearing all over the net in various states of undress was enough to win the competition for poor Dmitry. Mind you, it was enough to take Belarus into its first ever Eurovision final and a respectable sixth position. Helped, of course, by the awarding of 12 points by Russia and Ukraine which, of course, I'm sure is nothing to do with them either bordering Belarus or being close political allies. Unbelievably, the UK gave poor Koldun zip.

Of course, he might have fared a little better than sixth place if only the draw had been a little kinder to him. As it was, Koldun performed firmly towards the start of the show and by the end, most viewers were probably too drunk to remember it. I know I was.

Right: In an attempt to liven up his magician's act performance, Dmitry rehearses backstage on how to pull his rabbit out of the hat.

Jonatan Cerrada desktop wallpaper

2007-05-19T17:57:00.000Z

Who could refuse the opportunity to put Jonatan Cerrada, spiky hair and sunflowers on their Windows desktop? If you like the look of this wallpaper, then download it for free by left-clicking on it, wait til it downloads, then right-click and select set as desktop background.

Most fabulous hair in the pop world

2007-05-19T17:09:00.000Z

Unless you watched the Eurovision Song Contest in 2004, you probably haven't heard of Jonatan Cerrada. He entered the contest singing for France, despite the fact that he is actually Belgian with Spanish roots. Jonatan also has the most fabulous hair to be found in the world of pop, narrowly beating Jimmy Jansson into second place. Well, until he went and shaved it all off, but the less said of that, the better. Jonatan came to notice in France when he won the French version of Pop Idol and thereafter was selected to represent France at the Contest.

If you saw the contest itself, then you surely haven't forgotten the white suit and the rather scary woman on stilts. Or the fact that Jonatan should have won, but instead wound up with 40points staring 15th position on the scoreboard in the face. But it didn't stop him going on to release his successful debut album, Siempre 23, and following it up with the equally successful La Preuve du Contraire. By way of an introduction to Jonatan, check out the videos below.

A chaque pas - The Eurovision 2004 performance. I think here we can all agree that on hair style alone, he should have walked the competition. Given it was a special occasion, he managed to achieve an even more voluminous effect than usual.

Rien ne me changera - Anybody who wishes to see Jonatan frolicking around in the desert getting sweaty by a campfire and smearing himself with what looks like oil would be well advised to check out this clip, from his first album.

Je voulais te dire que j'attends - Not quite sure about the thinking behind this clip for one of his singles from the first album. Jonatan appears to be playing the role of a peeping tom, watching the woman in the flat opposite, obsessing over her, keeping a secret stash of photographs of her in his bedroom. Look out for the court injunction soon, Jonatan.

Elle etait si jolie - Unfortunately you can't buy his performance here, duetting with fellow Pop Idol contestant Thierry Amiel.

Praying for Belarus to get through

2007-05-10T17:17:00.000Z

With less than two hours to pass before the beginning of the long-awaited Eurovision semi-final in Helsinki, I would bet that there are 28 very nervous contestants preparing to give it their all on stage. Koldun will be one of many praying for their chance to make it through to the final on Saturday.

The lot of the losing semi-finalists is a tragic one. Their fate is to be known forever as mere "also-rans", valiant challengers eliminated in the earlier heats of this trashy contest. Eighteen brave thoroughbreds destined to fall at the first furlong. Within the next five hours, eighteen brave contenders will find their ship of dreams crashing spectacularly on the barren rocks of semi-final humiliation. And as you cast your eye down the list of tonight's participants, it's easy to see that some are sailing sturdier ships than others. Some of the ropier entries are only capable of sinking into the abyss.

On this cheerful note, and without further ado, here are my ten predictions on which countries will sail a steady course towards participation in Saturday's final, in no particular order:

Belarus
Turkey
Denmark
Andorra
Bulgaria (she'll get by with a little help from her neighbourly friends)
Switzerland (just about)
Serbia (look at the size of my diaspora)
Macedonia
Slovenia
Cyprus

Best Before 1997: Pure German cheese

2007-04-16T19:20:00.000Z

I'm in a holiday mood today. Not just because of the early summer weather in UK, but also because I booked my summer holiday yesterday - three weeks beside the seaside, so I felt it was high time for some 100% cheese on the blog and what could be cheesier or more summery than a trip back ten years to visit Germany's greatest Europop/dance export (okay, that's not saying much), Mr. President.

Check out the video for JoJo Action. For me, this song features the world's all-time worst ever lyrics. Ah, they could only have been written by a German, not least because rhyming 'Candy apple tree' with 'JoJo honeybee' is actually an offence in some countries (well, it ought to be). At least the video redeems itself with a gorgeous shot of a discoball at 02'29.

Of course, it's hard to realise from watching their later stuff that Mr. President's earlier material was much harder. Take a look at the video from Forever and one day. It includes all the key ingredients of a summer Europop smash. Look at the sun drenched camera shots, and listen to the obligatory 'Oh-way-oh-way' lyric, pioneered by the Vengaboys themselves. Where could this beach be? Spain? Greece? Perhaps, but we're not too far from Germany, because methinks I can hear the sound of a jaunty alpine accordion in the background. The only downside is the irritating twang in the blonde one's voice... I challenge anybody to listen to the first thirty seconds without cringing at it.

Uncensored BWO action

2007-04-15T16:54:00.000Z

The schlagerboys were the first to discover it, but it seems as though Bodies Without Organs are about to make some kind of breakthrough in the UK. Yesterday I was hanging around the flat, waiting for the builders to finish fitting my new kitchen when I heard the trilling of BWO's Chariots of Fire on Hits TV. I like the song, but it's not their best if you ask me, and the video is a bit dull. And what were they thinking of, superimposing Martin's face onto a bulldog? The resulting cross-breed looks a bit like the ugly one from D'Nash. In truth, I don't believe they've picked the right song to make their break into the UK market. It should have been Open Door, and in particular, the disco version.

The really big BWO news, of course, is that their new album will be called Fabricator and is set for release in September of this year. Before that, a single will be released, probably in Sweden, called Save My Pride. Does the title sound familiar? Yes, it's largely the same song as recorded by Alcazar on their Dancefloor Deluxe album, although apparently it's been remixed and re-jigged for added fabulousness. The Alcazar version did have the potential for greatness which BWO may be able to exploit. That's if they tear up and throw away the ridiculous lyrics. Well, if nothing else, we can at least hope for another video with Martin Rolinski looking as delectable as he did in the Open Door video which, incidentally, happens to bear more than a passing resemblance to the video for Adam Rickitt's I Breathe Again. You can compare them both here.
By the way, whatever neo-conservative flagged some of Rickitt's videos as 'Adult Content' on YouTube seriously needs to get out more. This is censorship gone mad!

Bodies Without Organs - Open Door (Disco Version)

Adam Rickitt - I Breathe Again

There's one less Joseph in heaven

2007-04-15T16:35:00.000Z

There were tears before bedtime last night as the first of BBC's substandard Josephs went crashing out of Any Dream Will Do. When all is said and done, I think we can all rest easily knowing that the weakest of a very weak bunch was eliminated. Poor Chris Crosby (there's a tongue-twister for you) proved in front of 12million UK viewers that he had all the dancing ability of a wooden clothes peg and, according to his BBC interview, his favourite song ever is Lionel Ritchie's Truly. To my mind, anybody who idolises a Lionel Ritchie song should be removed immediately from any contact with the public whatsoever.
On the other hand, a potential favourite to win the contest emerged. Daniel Boys, an adminstrative assistant from London certainly put in one of the best performances of the night. Among a line-up of very poor karaoke singers, he was easily able to sparkle.

Must do better: Two which won't make it through the semi-final

2007-04-14T07:36:00.000Z

1. Stevan Faddy (Montenegro) -Ajde Kroči

Stevan appears to be under the delusion that it's still the 1980s. Trashy old rock songs are still fashionable, as are tan jackets with unfathomably large lapels. Let me tell you now, they're not. Even if you try to make it look a bit edgier by leaving the cuffs undone. Stevan spends much of his time waving his elbows and hands about, pointing at the camera, looking pained. Somebody give him a guitar or a microphone to hold - anything to stop his arm twitching.

As much as I would like to see a return to the days when every country sang in their own national language instead of English, this song is strong evidence to the contrary.
And no, not even claiming you've got strong links to Scotland is going to get you any points from the UK.

2. Magdi Rúzsa (Hungary) - Unsubstantial Blues

Misguided people are raving about this on YouTube. But I'm not. "Why did you leave me?" trills Magdi in her whimsical attempt to imitate Amy Winehouse. Well, I can think of a few reasons why he left you, love. Firstly, you're a bit heavy-handed with the old slap-on, aren't you? Bit over zealous with the war-paint? This woman likes to trowel on mascara like a mason trowels on cement. Secondly, your gravelly voice sounds like nails down a blackboard and you needs to suck some throat lozenges, quickly. And another thing, you're crap at housework. If you want to get your man back, you'd better start by picking up the litter you've got strewn across the floor of your flat, because let's face it, nobody wants to live in a pigsty. Unsubstantial blues? More like unsubstantial effort.

Dima Koldun back by popular demand!

2007-04-12T07:41:00.000Z

After a stampede of visitors to the blog following my recent exclusive, I have decided to give the audience more of what they want, namely more Dima Koldun photos. As you can see here, even a routine morning shower can become a photo opportunity when your goal is Eurovision glory.

Left: "Can I have the results of the internet juries?" After using the shower head as a telephone, one can only wonder what he did with the soap.

It's hard to predict who will win in Helsinki and I would be sceptical about trusting the many Eurovision polls online, for the simple reason that they allow voters to award 1-12 points, whereas in reality, people will only vote for their favourite song, not for several. But let's see where Koldun stands in the major Eurovision polls. At present, all signs point towards a top 5 finish. At escnation, Belarus is rated fifth by the voters and fourth by the juries. It's a similar story at soult and at the demandi website, where English-speaking voters have ranked Belarus in fifth position. The highest current rating for Koldun appears to be found in the escstats poll, where voters rank Belarus in third position and juries rank him second to Greece.

Left: After all this number crunching, Dima needs a lie-down.

Moving further afield, will Koldun be able to rely on any neighbourly voting to push his quest for glory onwards? Well, not necessarily, if the escestonia poll is anything to go by, where he is in seventh place. This is up one place from last week though. There doesn't look much hope from Poland either, as eurowizja places him only in eighth position.

So what does all this mean? All signs appear that Koldun will make it through the semi-final into the final. We all know what a good record the successful semi-finalists have in the final itself, so a top five finish is likely. A win is also possible, although this will depend on the performance on the night.

You can help cheer on Koldun in Helsinki by downloading this free, original wallpaper for your desktop. Simply left click on the image, wait til it appears, then right click and set as desktop background. And remember to vote for him on the night!

Bookmark me: More Dima Koldun to come!

Londonboy79 welcomes 500th visitor!

2007-04-11T17:04:00.000Z

This afternoon, my fabulous site welcomed its 500th visitor in the space of three weeks! That of course is due to a large weight of visitors coming here over the last few days to check out the gratuitous photos of Dima Koldun which I put up here. And by way of a treat for my readers, keep this page bookmarked, because I am about to reveal another hot Koldun exclusive! In the meantime, let's see if his Eurovision entry Work your magic sounds as good in Russian as it does in English!

A talent for looking miserable

2007-04-11T08:49:00.000Z

While waiting for any Eurovision news of note, here's an artist who doesn't get enough mention in the blogosphere. Axelle Red is a Flemish singer who sings mostly in French but sometimes in Spanish. For anybody who doesn't know, Axelle has been a star in the French speaking world for almost twenty years. One of her greatest talents is the ability to look miserable and sulky on demand. Perhaps that's why modern Axelle makes piano, jazz and rhythm and blues records, which take a while to grow on you and are simply not cheesy enough to be posted here. But in her youth, her musical idols were ABBA, and her earlier stuff was much more fabulous. If you want to get hold of it, you'd need to get the album Sans plus attendre.

This album features one of her biggest hits to date, Sensualité, which sounds a little dated now, but is still one of the trashiest pop songs ever written. In true trashy style, Axelle spends much of the video writhing against a padded wall. But riddle me this, if you were going to shoot the video for one of your first major chart hits, would you allow your stage manager to twin your bright red hair with a turquoise stage set? And would you allow your costume designer to dress you in what looks like a shabby maternity dress? These things aside, the song is still a classic.

After a good twenty minutes crawling the web, I think I can say authoritatively that there is no available video clip to post of Axelle's trashiest work, Kennedy boulevard, a motown pastiche featuring just about every possible sixties cliché you could think of. Think of a cross between Vanessa Paradis' Be my baby and Sonia's Only fools. Anyway, let's settle for Axelle in more sombre mood with the video for her later hit, Parce que c'est toi. I think you can see the blues influences creeping in here quite clearly. It's a beautiful song and you can see Axelle using her talent for looking 'miserable and sulky' to the maximum here - and maybe there is good reason: by this point in her career, you'd think she'd have enough money to furnish her flat with luxuries, but in this video, it looks as bare as Mother Hubbard's proverbial cupboard. In the back of the limo, Axelle's boyfriend appears as miserable as she is - but then, it wouldn't surprise me if he was about to dump her, given that she's turned up for their big date wearing a shapeless orange dress which clashes with her flame-red hair. He'll probably end up colour-blind after looking at that all night.

Good things come in threes, so here's a final video from Axelle, this time from her Face A/Face B album, the sleeve of which saw her take on an almost Kylie-ish image, even though her musical influences were still quite varied. There was a disco theme behind some of the tracks on the album, which made it more upbeat. The single Toujours taken from the CD was one of Axelle's best, although the video opens with her looking quite sweaty and dishevelled. Almost dirty. Never mind, at least she goes wading in her best dress at the end, that'll get some of the filth off.

Video fabulousness from Macedonia

2007-04-10T14:54:00.000Z

At last, this is what a Eurovision video should look like! It's Macedonia's Karolina and her entry, Mojot Svet, which poor Karolina has controversially been forced to sing entirely in Macedonian. But look at the video, it has all the key ingredients of trashy, pop fabulousness - Glitter and ticker-tape raining down from the skies! A wind machine! And glitterballs, big glitterballs, more glitterballs than your wildest dreams could hope for! Swamped in all this trashy paraphenalia when watching this, you can almost forget that the song isn't as catchy as it really should be. Let's hope Macedonia makes it into the final!

Any Dross Will Do: BBC's hunt for new Joseph

2007-04-10T08:53:00.000Z

So the BBC has launched its hunt to find a new Joseph to play the lead role in the Technicolor Dreamcoat musical. This Saturday the contenders were whittled down to just twelve hopefuls who are desperate to achieve fame by playing one of the West End's most famous roles. To these twelve contenders, I would say you have a long way to go to reach Andrew Derbyshire-level on the Joseph scale of perfection. For anyone who doesn't know, Andrew Derbyshire played Joseph in London's West End during its last major run here. Check out his official websites here and here. Please take a moment to look upon the Joseph heaven which is Andrew and remind yourself what perfection is before we take a look at some of the trite which is being served up by the BBC in the name of light entertainment.
Of course, the whole series isn't helped by the fact that it's being hosted by Graham Norton. BBC could hardly have chosen a better way to squeeze any remaining life out of the format. If you are one of my international readers and you don't know who he is, just be grateful. Here's a picture so you can imagine, but I've had to blur out the face because I cannot look at him any more. I met him in heaven nightclub once and I hope I never have the misfortune for our paths to cross again.

Without further ado, let's look at the contenders to Joseph's crown. I've selected three of the worst to feature here.

When I look at Seamus, I don't see a Joseph. What I see is a big ego and a lot of hair. And not in a good way. Seamus appeared to believe he was not just auditioning but that he was actually running the show. This was nothing to when Johndeep was auditioning though. When asked to sing angrily, rather than feeling moved in any way, I felt physically sick... Having said this, I do believe Johndeep has the potential for a career in showbusiness. That's if there is ever a call for a Mr Bean double. Which brings us to Rob, who is incidentally the better of the three, a builder from Rotherham. But surely BBC are scraping the bottom of the barrel by selecting someone whose career highlight so far, in his own words, is 'being a victim in a re-enactment on Tonight with Trevor MacDonald'.

Did anyone else see the show? Am I being too harsh here?

It's getting hot in here... gratuitous shots of Dima Koldun

2007-04-09T09:51:00.000Z

Separated at birth? Not quite, but you'd be forgiven for getting them mixed up. One of these two men is singing for Belarus in Helsinki, and the other one is a has-been from last year's UK Big Brother. Ahh, they know all about Big Brother in Belarus you know, currently named by the USA as one of the last outposts of tyranny. I discovered on the internet today that Belarus has more police officers per head than any other country in Europe.

I tipped Dima Koldun for Eurovision success some weeks ago on this very blog and I'm tempted to vote for him on the night, not just for his catchy rock-pop number, but also to see the look on EBU faces when they realise that next year's contest will be staged in Belarus. As if he wasn't already one of the favourites to win in Helsinki, I have noticed a sudden trend on the web, namely his appearance all over the net in various stages of undress, including a rather suspicious shot of him hosing himself down with a common garden hose. Mind you, with temperatures soaring in the UK this Easter weekend, we could all do with a bit of that. Purely in the name of research, let's take a look at this latest publicity push by the Belarussian contender for the Eurovision crown.

Left: As temperatures soar, Dima loses control of his hose

The mullet lives... Jimmy Jansson wallpaper

2007-04-08T15:59:00.000Z

Unfortunately as viewers of the melodifestivalen will already know, Jimmy Jansson's second bid to win the contest was ended prematurely at the hands of Sanna Nielsen earlier this year, despite his catchy, sunshine-soaked pop tune, Amanda, which you can view below.

My reason for including him here is only partly musical. Even if watching him perform his sixties rock-pop vibe leaves something to be desired cheese-wise for some of us, I think we should all take a moment to be in awe of his hair. Not since Jason Donavan graced Neighbours in the 1980s has anybody worn such a mullet with such pride. Jimmy is singlehandedly striking a blow for mullets across the world. I for one would like to know how he achieves such a volumous result. I wouldn't be at all surprised if charting the ups and downs of Jimmy's hair becomes a regular feature here.

You can turn your desktop into a mini shrine to the world's perfect mullet by downloading this free Jimmy Jansson desktop wallpaper. Just left click on it, wait til it downloads, then right click and set as background.

Something saucy from Sweden

2007-04-07T17:11:00.000Z

Do you ever remember unwrapping an excitingly-shaped gift only to find out it is, in fact, something mundane and ordinary? Like that elaborately wrapped Christmas present which turns out to be a tie-hanger? Today's dose of cheesy pop is a similar disappointment. The packaging looks promising but the contents are a bit of a let-down.

Welcome to the world of Danny Saucedo (I'm assuming that's Saucedo as in torpedo). He reached the final ten in the Swedish version of Pop Idol last year and since then he's released his debut single, an upbeat europop number called Tokyo. Hmm... wonder which of the world's big record markets he's targeting?

The song itself pulls all the usual europop strings and even has a key change at the end, so for that we ought to be grateful. There are many similarities between Danny and Adam Rickitt - the throwaway cheesy melody, the blonde hair, the penchant for wearing vests... Danny's lyrics, on the other hand, make Adam Rickitt's solo "work" look like Shakespeare. But you can at least numb the pain of this lyrical inanity by watching the video, which features blonde Danny jiving around and punching the air in his white vest. Hang on, I've seen a lot of that behaviour in G-A-Y club... A word of warning, just remember to close your eyes at 01'32 when he puts on a purple and yellow tracksuit top and starts doing some serious hand jiving.

Given the lack of depth in the lyrics, there's plenty of scope for reading the meaning behind the video. I would suggest the following storyline behind the video:

1. Danny checks into a hotel room after another day recording in the studio

2. Danny logs on to check his email and then decides he feels like a bit of web-cam fun and hooks up with some sl*t in Tokyo. He starts typing and smiling a lot while he is on his bed.

3. Danny falls asleep and begins to toss... and turn... he's dreaming of being in Tokyo with his web-cam sl*t. He's taking her on a date to a really hot bar which looks like a great night out (not). He impresses her with an array of flexible hand dancing.

4. Danny wakes up in his bed the morning after. I hope he's not going to leave those sheets for the maid to clean up.

You can check his website out here

A blast from the past

2007-04-06T19:27:00.000Z

As it's the Bank Holiday weekend, I've been doing the same thing that half of Britain's been doing - DIY. Not much time for a post, so instead, I'm taking you back a couple of years to a moment of trashy pop magnificence.

It's Najoua Belyzel and her hit Gabriel. If you haven't heard of her before, then you're in for a treat. Imagine if Kylie hadn't been born in Australia and had, instead, been born in France, to a Moroccan father and an Egyptian mother. Najoua released this, her biggest hit to date, in 2005, though it didn't make the shores of the UK. If you listen carefully, the bassline is very similar to Kylie's Can't Get You Out Of My Head.

But whatever possessed her to go tramping about in the woodlands dressed in a wedding dress for the video?

My diaspora's bigger than yours...

2007-04-05T17:00:00.000Z

Marija Serifovic (the one on the right) will be singing a dreary old ballad for Serbia in Helsinki. And in some polls, her sleep-inducing effort is tipped to be a front runner. I hope not, because it's so plodding and dull that I almost slipped into a coma when I tried to listen to the whole thing.

Even more worrying than that, in order to manipulate the voting, it appears that she'll be relying on Serb televoters living outside Serbia to phone in and vote for her. I read at doteurovision today that apparently a Serbian government official has called on Serb televoters outside the country to call in and support her, regardless of what the other songs are like. According to doteurovision, Marija "thanked the minister for his support".

In my opinion, this is exactly what Eurovision doesn't need. It's supposed to be a song and performance contest. Not a "my diaspora's bigger than yours" contest. And neighbourly voting doesn't need any encouragement anyway, it's already thriving. Good grief, whatever happened to good old British notions of fair play and simply voting for the best song on the night, rather than blindly voting on the basis of nationality!

Having read this news, I definitely won't be voting for this entry. In fact, you could stick a thumping electro beat behind it, make her sing three times faster, add a key change and a cheesy dance routine, and I still wouldn't vote for her.

You'll catch your death dressed like that!

2007-04-05T15:56:00.000Z

What is it about the older generaration which compels them to dress for arctic weather even when it's baking hot? Today was a gloriously warm, sunny day in south London, and yet as I walked to the park to sit amongst the first sun-worshippers of the season, I was given cause to whip out my camera phone and take a snap of this monstrosity.

I just don't get it - it's hot, it's sunny, it's humid - why would anyone layer themselves up and add a big quilted jacket with matching hat on top? I dread to think of the buckets of sweat which must have been pouring off her underneath there. I for one would not have wanted to end up standing anywhere near her in the post office queue.

What is more shocking is that she had somehow managed to twin the outfit with a pair of Deirdre-Barlow-esque sunglasses. I suppose she was trying to cover all eventualities.

Deirdre's your drama queen tonight

2007-04-04T19:28:00.000Z

While watching poor Deirdre on Coronation Street this week coping with the fact that her husband-battering daughter Tracy has just been sent down to do bird in one of Her Majesty's prisons, it occured to me that long-suffering Deirdre has become one of soap's tragic figures. After all, she did a spell in prison herself after being implicated in her ex-husband's fraudulent activities. At least things are looking up for Deirdre, as she's been selected to represent the Ukraine at this year's Eurovision Song Contest. To avoid being spotted in Helsinki, she's taken to wrapping herself up in bacofoil like a Thanksgiving turkey. And see the way she has covered up those straining neck ligaments with a fur trimmed Ukrainian hoodie. The spectacles gave it away though. But after performing this mad-cap entry, let's just hope that poor Deirdre Barlow/Rachid doesn't end up facing another spell at Her Majesty's pleasure.

Air hostess, I like the way you dress

2007-04-03T18:11:00.000Z

According to unconfirmed rumours on the internet, Scooch have successfully got themselves a new record deal, which will allow the release of Flying the Flag in shops on 30th April 2007. Does anybody out there still by CD singles then? The song has been available on iTunes for some time.

Of course, they won't be the first group to have pressed an airline-related tune onto vinyl. If Danish televoters had chosen more wisely, Scooch might have been up against another airport-themed tune, courtesy of Annette Heick's Copenhagen Airport. And who could forget Busted's Air Hostess? But what would you get if you crossed Scooch's camp trolley dolleying with Busted's punky pop? As you can see below, the result is quite wonderful.

And if you haven't already seen Annette Heick's airport schlager melody, check it out here.

Can't dance, shouldn't be allowed to dance

2007-04-02T18:00:00.000Z

Having looked a little closer at D'Nash's D'readful video, I am shocked to uncover the fact that it conceals carefully one of Eurovision's worst ever pieces of dancing. He might look like hot tapas but he dances like a wet fish. Should you wish to emulate this unrivalled piece of choreography, simply follow this simple guide:

Step 1: Push arms forward and pull them back like you're ski-ing in the alps

Step 2: Swing left, bring your elbows up to the sides and push outwards, like you're barging someone aside to get served first at the bar

Step 3: Continue swinging left, bring arms down in front of you, and make like you're about to undo your fly

Step 4: Bend over slightly (careful which clubs you do this in), bring arms up like wings and waggle backside like a drunken duck

Step 5: Now you've mastered it, head to G-A-Y bar in Old Compton Street where everyone knows this dance (except for the lesbians). And here it is in all it's animated glory:

And finally, 12 points goes to... golden balls!

2007-04-02T16:49:00.000Z

The worrying trend of lookalikes taking part at Eurovision continues unabated with the discovery that D'Nash of Spain appear to have recruited David Beckham to play for their side in Helsinki. Let's hope he does better for Spain than he did for Real Madrid.

Nash wallpaper on demand

2007-04-02T15:25:00.000Z

I've had a request to make some D'Nash wallpaper. If you haven't heard of them already, D'Nash are the latest act selected by Spain to woefully underperform at Eurovision this year. I think we can safely say it won't be Madrid 2008 on the evidence provided in their video below. Take a look and you'll see what I mean.

Like all boybands, they have obviously been made on the production line using a strict selection process to ensure their appeal to as wide an audience as possible. With D'Nash, you get the complete set... a sharp blonde one, the stubbly hard-nut variety, the soppy one that looks like Jimmy Osmond and... hang on, how did they get that ugly one with too much ungroomed hair and dirty beard growth through quality control? (Don't worry, if you use the wallpaper, he's right at the back and if you squint while using your PC, he won't spoil the visual eye-candy experience).

It appears likely that poor D'Nash squandered most of their budget achieving that authentic chess-board black and white style video. There appears to have been little left in the kitty to afford either a decent song or a choreographer to teach them some dance moves. Instead, we've blown the entire budget on special effects which make the various members of D'Nash float slowly across the screen.

Anyway, help yourself to the wallpaper by left clicking, wait til it downloads, then right-click, set as desktop background.

He's moody, but he's so good at it

2007-03-31T14:17:00.000Z

If, like me, you've had too much time to dig about on Dima Koldun's website, you'll find a treasure trove of photographs of Dima showing his two favourite things - his fine dentist work and his moody camera poses. There are shots of Dima moody with shirt on, moody with shirt undone, moody with shirt off, moody with hands in pockets, moody with furry hobbit costume, moody with Communist flag... well, he does do it rather well. Use this wallpaper to brighten up your desktop with four of his all-time moodiest poses. Left-click on picture, wait until it appears, right-click, set picture as destop background...

And finally, 12 points go to... The Shire!

2007-03-31T13:47:00.000Z

After a heavy night's drinking, I've been sitting in front of my PC trying to lose my hangover. While surfing around the net, I found the official website of the Belarussian entrant, Dima Koldun. The website's quite good actually and worth a visit so click here But while I was clicking through the site, something struck me. Amidst all our various scandals and intrigues about Scooch, Belarus have managed to pull off a quiet coup of their own... they have enlisted none other than Frodo Baggins to sing for them! The evidence presented above is fairly compelling. I shouldn't be surprised if Gandalf doesn't show up to conduct the orchestra in Helsinki either.

Scooch wallpaper - you lucky people!

2007-03-30T16:10:00.000Z

I've been too busy to post on the blog for a couple of days, as I've been filling in application forms for a new job recently. But I'm back now and here's a treat... I've made an all-new Scooch wallpaper, as the last one resulted in a huge level of web traffic to my blog and helped me to reach my 222nd visitor in just 2 weeks! The original images of Scooch used to make the wallpaper are ones which I found on schlagerblog so if you like them, try checking out the schlagerboys website.

I doubt that I'll be posting anything tomorrow, as I plan to be recovering from a hangover induced by a night's cheesy clubbing in Croydon tonight. If you are in Croydon, look out for me. I'll be the one gorging myself on greasy junk food in the street as I always get a taste for it when drunk.

To get the wallpaper, just left-click on the image here, then when it loads, right-click and set as desktop background.

If you are a Scooch fan (and if you're not, the exit from my fabulous site is located in the top right corner) then you might want to check out their new website, scoochonline.

Somebody pass me the garlic

2007-03-28T19:17:00.000Z

Be afraid. Be VERY afraid. Because believe it or not, this is the current bookies' favourite to walk off with the Eurovision title on May 12th. Switzerland's DJ Bobo, a perennial favourite of the German record-buying public, with his inoffensive brand of half-spoken, half-singing, throwaway, euro-meaninglessness.

When asked to pick the worst lyrics in the song, you really would be spoilt for choice. Well, seeing an ageing DJ Bobo desperately trying to kick it with the kids in a dance routine while singing the line "we will be forever young" is too ridiculous for words. And then there is his opening line, "vampires get a life!" at which point I'm thinking two words - pot and kettle.

It is no surprise then that the best parts of the song are all the parts where DJ Bobo is not singing.

Maybe in Switzerland the goth population are a more happy-go-lucky sort who enjoy performing synchronised dance routines in the street with an old leather-clad has-been, but in South London, no self-respecting goth would be seen dead (no pun intended) dancing to this kind of tripe. And you certainly wouldn't tell the goths in our local park to "get a life". Not unless you wanted to get a serious kicking while being filmed on one of their mobile phones.

I also firmly believe that whoever cast the two second scene in the video at 02'45, where DJ Bobo comes face to face with a horse (or is that a reflection?) ought to be immediately ejected from any career connected with showbusiness in any way, shape or form.

He's able and he's willing

2007-03-27T19:12:00.000Z

One of these two men is representing Belarus in Helsinki... Relax, it's not the long-haired, beardy one with last season's sunglasses, but Dmitry Koldun (the one smothered with Belarussian bling). In fact, his song is not half bad and could well walk off with the title on May 12th.

If you've never heard of him then you're not alone. But apparently he won a Belarussian Pop Idol-style show in 2004. Not content with this, he went East and won the sixth season of the hit Russian show, Star Factory. Now he's reached the heady heights of becoming Belarussian entrant to Eurovision. But before you sneer at his chances, take a look at the video. It's a rock-pop number, in which Dmitry takes every possible opportunity to dazzle us with those perfectly whiter-than-white teeth of his. If nothing else, he obviously has a good dentist. And if you're not too taken with the song, you also get to watch the Belarussian answer to Paul Daniels and Debbie Magee in the clip, which makes for a creepy experience. It is cold in Belarus, so you'll notice that most of the extras in the video are shivering uncontrollably... unless that's an overenthusiastic attempt at shoulder-shimmying. The stand-out lyric in the song must be the line "when you cast your loving potion all over me"... and they say the Scooch entry is too smutty!

Come May, I think you'd have to be brave to bet against this winning the title. And whatever else happens, Dmitry is almost certain to receive 12 points from Russia.

A trip down Eurovision memory lane

2007-03-26T19:56:00.000Z

In a rather slow day for trashy pop news, I've decided to take you on a wander down memory lane... back to the Eurovisions of days long past. Back in those days, of course, it took a little more than a set of cheap halloween monster masks to win the contest. Take Liora for example (1995, Israel). You'd have thought she had it all... big hair (even the blokes), matching costumes, carefully choreographed semi-swaying dance routine, gradually cranking it up to an all-arms-in-the-air finale. It all added up to douze points from the UK, but that wasn't enough to stop a dreary high-pitched song with a cheap instrumental breakdown played on the fiddle from Norway walking off with the title. You just can't predict Eurovision (although that's exactly what I'll be doing in the run up to May 12th)

Watch closely at 2'08 and you might even see a great shot of her fillings as she hits the high notes. They just don't make Eurovision entries like they used to.

Get your Scooch wallpaper here!

2007-03-25T18:44:00.000Z

By way of a treat for my readers, I'm offering an exclusive Scooch Flying the flag desktop wallpaper here. If you like the look of it and want it on your desktop, then LEFT CLICK on the picture left and when the image loads, right click on it, set as background. For you IT geeks, the resolution is 1280 x 1024 but if your settings are stretch to fit then it'll look fabulous on all desktops.

A comment to say thank you might be nice!

It's all Swedish to me, my good man!

2007-03-25T17:32:00.000Z

Having posted the video of Varsta Schlagern the other day, I decided to do a bit of leg-work and find out what the lyrics actually mean. The song is, of course, a p*ss-take of many Swedish schlager pop songs and I tracked down a translation of sorts on the schlagerlout blog. So here's the chorus, courtesy of that blog.

And it’s love, it’s the wind blowing
It’s eyes and they’re sparkling
And lots of other tired old clichés
Which say everything and nothing
And it’s stars and they’re shining
It’s the world and it’s disappearing
And the title should be punchy like a slap in the face

Oh and allegedly the bit where the keychange comes is marked by the words "And here comes the key change finallyyyy, finallyyyy... yyyyyy"

I've decided to put a link to schlagerlout's blog, if only out of gratitude for clearing this matter up.

Late rant about Justin Hawkins

2007-03-25T17:01:00.000Z

A week on from the MYMU saga, I decided that there should be one more entry on my blog about it. It's about that comment from Justin Hawkins following the announcement of the result. IYou know what comment I mean... the one about the British public being either "stupid or racist" not to have voted for Hawkins & Brown or Big Brovaz. If you don't know the story, best check it out here - at entertainmentwise.

In my opinion, it is frankly insulting to label the UK public of being racist in order to justify losing on a prime-time light-entertainment show. I supported the Hawkins & Brown entry... until the live performance, which Hawkins squeaked through like a sheep inhaling helium. My immediate words after the performance were "Brown sang very well, but Hawkins performance wasn't up to it". Hawkins is kidding himself if he thinks the public's decision was based on anything else other than his own substandard performance.

In fact, the only person who has sought to explain the public's voting verdict in terms of race is Hawkins himself. If the report on entertainmentwise is accurate, then he has labelled the whole UK nation "stupid or racist".

I for one now welcome the fact that on the back of his shoddy performance, we may well have seen the last of him in the public eye. Long may it last.

Why haven't you sent her to Eurovision yet, Sweden?

2007-03-21T21:00:00.000Z

If you've watched the Melodifestivalen then you'll already know who Linda Bengtzing is. If not, you need to visit this blog more often as part of your rehabilitation back into society.

Your first step towards the light should be to check out the video from her recent hit Värsta Schlagern. It's got a cheesy dance routine, a wind machine to rival even Carola's herself, hell - they appear to be wearing anoraks in the video and they still manage to carry it off! Which begs the question, in several years of trying, why hasn't Sweden sent her to Eurovision yet?

A call for solidarity on fashion faux pas

2007-03-20T20:14:00.000Z

I felt duty bound to make a second urgent posting on the blog today. The time has come to say enough is enough. I am frankly shocked by the complete disregard for general fashion principles which are being flouted on the streets around the capital of late.

To testify to my case, I present two textbook cases of fashion faux-pas, both snapped on my phone while out and about in Central London. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I give you Exhibit A - the tangerine dream. Lord God and all heavens above can only wonder at the thought processes which lie behind such a fashion faux pas. What earthly compulsion could make a middle-aged woman select such a motley array of assorted orange garments and try to combine them into one single outfit? And to select such a skin-tight orange top which flaunts every overhanging inch of excess. It may be merely of small consolation, readers, but the camera angle is actually quite flattering to her, for you cannot pick up on her bushy ginger head of hair which was so angrily clashing with her Tangoed costume. Believe it or not, it's hard to get a good picture when you're breathlessly in pursuit of a target down Oxford Circus tube platform. A steady hand is always the mark of an accomplished fashion faux pas hunter.

And as if this isn't already compelling evidence enough of crimes against fashion going unchecked on London's streets, I give you Exhibit B - the fur-hatted flibbertigibbert of South-West London. As you may see, I have taken precautionary steps to protect the identity of this fashion faux pas. I am certain that in her position, I would never want to be recognised by anybody I knew wearing such disgusting attire. But as yet, I haven't managed to think of a scenario or event for which a leopard-spotted, wide-brimmed, floppy fur hat is suitable. Again, the question we must ask is why? What drives such members of the public to commit such heinous crimes against fashion?

If you feel strongly that these fashion errors are unacceptable, I urge you to post a comment on this page. And at this point, I must also request your assistance, readers. Keep your fingers on your camera phones at all times and be prepared to snap your own fashion faux pas at any time they may strike. Should you manage to gather any photographic evidence, please email me it at londonboy79blog@yahoo.co.uk. I would be only too pleased to feature it here for us all to roundly condemn.

Tittle-tattle lost the battle

2007-03-20T20:01:00.000Z

A third controversy gripped MYMU winners Scooch today, and I couldn't help but feel partially responsible. I was intrigued to read on the front page of a fellow London commuter's Daily Mirror (I rarely buy my own when, due to the crowded nature of the capital's trains, you can hardly avoid having the tabloid rags pushed into your face) the headline "The Eurovision Song CON-test" trumpeting another supposed scandal surrounding the act selected to represent the UK in Helsinki.

On closer inspection, the thrust of the story was that Scooch were using two 'off-stage' backing singers to sing part of their winning entry to MYMU, 'Flying the Flag For You'. According to the Mirror, Justin Hawkins stomped off in a rage and all the other acts were b*tching about Scooch "cheating" to win. It was at this point that I remembered my blog entry from yesterday, speculating about the likelihood of Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan appearing as backing vocalists for Scooch. Had I inadvertently stirred up some kind of scandal?

Of course not, Richard and Judy have better things to do on a Saturday night than to sing backing vocals on someone else's show. And this tabloid tale smacks of a cheap attempt to stir up a scandal in my opinion, so it hardly warrants blog space. The rules allow two off-stage backing singers, and it was quite clear that Scooch were singing live. I urge all fans to ignore suggestions otherwise. One wonders how exactly Scooch might otherwise have gone about singing three-part female harmonies with only two females on stage?

The fallout begins...

2007-03-19T18:45:00.000Z

It's been another day of wacky developments in the wake of the Scooch MYMU victory. Firstly, public clamouring has forced Eurovision god Sir Terry of Wogan into apologising for any embarrassment caused due to his gaffe (announcing the wrong winner on MYMU). The man made an error at work, we've all done it* and in any case, I consider any and all criticism of Sir Terry to be no less than blasphemous.

Meanwhile, Scooch made an appearance on Richard & Judy, Britain's favourite tea-time chatshow to discuss the gaffe. More interestingly, Russ (blonde Scooch, the one who looks like he's put on a bit of weight since Scooch's heyday) declared that they were 'looking at ways of making the performance even more camp'. It's hard to imagine how this could be achieved, short of dragging up and carrying pink handbags.

While watching this rather surreal interview on Richard & Judy, I had a sudden fantasy about what Richard & Judy might look like if they were game enough to sing backing vocals for Scooch in Helsinki, and this is what I came up with - frightening, isn't it readers? Surely our European brethren do not deserve to have this inflicted on them? Better to keep Richard & Judy tucked away somewhere like a Trident nuclear submarine - i.e. as a deterrent. "Vote for us or we'll unleash this on you next year..."

*thankfully most of us don't have 10million viewers watching when we make a botch up while on the job.

We can only blame ourselves...

2007-03-18T13:32:00.000Z

The true brilliance of democracy is that when it all goes wrong, we've only got ourselves to blame. You get what you vote for in this old life, and here in all its fabulous glory is the entry which the discerning UK public selected to send to Helsinki.

A proportion of disgruntled viewers are complaining en masse to Eurovision forums about the result. To this, I say "pull yourselves together!" Scooch won fair and square, that's all there is to it, and at last gay men across the nation have an excuse to dress up in airline uniform in the name of light entertainment.

They're flying the flag (for you)

2007-03-17T23:15:00.000Z

Well, who'd have thought it? Certainly not Sir Terry of Wogan, who himself seemed in denial of the result and made a rare error, pronouncing the wrong act victorious. Moments later, he backtracked and, after one of the closest contests in a long time, MYMU was won by a group of trolley dollies with more baggage than Heathrow Airport. When it came to voting, the discerning British viewers felt turquoise tuxedos were just the ticket for Helsinki.

I think we all know where this is heading. I forecast severe turbulence in the run up to the voting on May 12th, so best buckle up and adopt a bracing position. This craft is destined to make an emergency landing at the foot of the scoreboard. Regardless of which, I shall be cheering it on. Because with the sleazy lyrics and emergency procedures dance routine, the UK will be having the last laugh this year.

Feel free to copy and paste the Scooch image for your websites & blogs... they are, and I quote, "flying the flag for you".

They don't make 'em like they used to

2007-03-17T18:20:00.000Z

I say, I say, I say, what do you get if you cross the Pet Shop Boys with Lily Savage?

Tickets, precious tickets!

2007-03-17T14:42:00.000Z

Tonight BBC1 is screening the live Making Your Mind Up (MYMU) programme in front of a select ticketed audience. At home, televoters will decide on the UK entry to the 2007 Eurovision Song Contest in Helsinki.

Occasionally, I have been known to hoard precious tickets in my wallet... admission passes, train tickets and other reminders of days out long past. I should have liked to have a pair of MYMU tickets to add to my collection and with this in mind, I applied for free tickets on-line and prayed quietly to Sir Terry, God of Eurovision that I would be allocated some.

As you can already tell from my sarcasm, my prayers fell on dead ears. And alas, I sense foul play at work, as nobody on the MYMU web forum received tickets either. Not to be thwarted so easily, I set up a thread on the BBC forum encouraging other disappointed fans to complain en masse with me. However, no sooner had my complaints-thread begun to gather momentum than the moderators closed it down. In my opinion, this amounts to censorship of the worst kind.

Tonight I shall be watching on the small screen and hoping for a victory for Hawkins & Brown.

Something Swedish to start with!

2007-03-16T20:24:00.001Z

At last, my blog is set up and ready to go! I don't mind telling you, it took a hell of a lot of time to make the discoballs in the title look THAT good, but I think you'll agree it was worth it! It was even harder getting rid of the annoying blog header that blogger inflicts on all of us, but eventually I managed it by poking about blind in the HTML code for a while, with sometimes alarming results.

The aim of my blog is simple... to provide a place to showcase my opinions, bitching and the greatest cheesy pop music of our time. And with Eurovision 2007 approaching, I think we'll find there's plenty of opportunity for that! To begin with, let's look admiringly at one of the finalists of the Melodifestivalen 2007 in Sweden. It's Sanne Nielsen... of course, she didn't win, but she did make the final. I could post a good half a dozen songs from the Melodifestivalen here, but for now, you'll have to be content with a bit of Sanne.